let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
