im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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