So drunk its hurt
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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