I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
