it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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