How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
