Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
