we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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