it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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