i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
