You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
