Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
