Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
