Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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