I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
