I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
