Your face is a jimmy john
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
