Jerry, you need to find god
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
