toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
