Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
