So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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