I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
