when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
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You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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