...so i touched it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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