A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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