Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
