ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
