went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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