Whod you bang
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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