I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
