sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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