just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
false alarm. still invincible.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
