her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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