Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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