I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So squirting runs in the family.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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