there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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