dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
