dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You smell like a Billy Joel song
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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