you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
