I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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