i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
