Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
