She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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