if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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