you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
