Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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