so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I enjoy the company of your penis
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