She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
