PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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