woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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