Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
