Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
