Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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